twitter quotes

101 Funny Tweets

y'all call this a date you're pretty,much married if you do this together,how can lawyers argue without crying I,was a card today and the dealership had,me check off with a pen on paper that,I'm not a robot sweats coolant these,douche bags told me it was a sweater,party what's going on,Rhys weed if you flushed the toilet with,your foot if you don't do this you,weren't raised right goes be crying over,a dude who reads a third-grade reading,level he's not ignoring your texts he's,sounding it out give him a second a,debate as old as time what is the best,baseball movie it's gotta be Twilight,I'm not gonna lie girls don't actually,shop we just walk around touching the,clothes saying this is cute if you ever,feel done just know that when my friend,was 14 she went to a psychiatrist,because she had a voice in her heads it,was her brain like literally just her,fours she thought that she was the only,person who had the ability to think for,14 years you left me on reds do I look,like a frickin book to you heartburn,real friends look out for each other hey,yeah you okay bro,you seem a little bit lost out there ah,yeah I'm good bro just chillin vibing to,be honest there's literally like free,people in the world so I can hang out,with for more than four hours without,wanting to strangle them there's plenty,of fish in the sea me I can't swim,friendship is so weird you pick out some,random human you've never met and you're,like this one I want to go on adventures,with this one me a voice drama also me,mm-hmm,what's going on here when you're,building up the courage to go into your,mum's room and asked to go out with your,friends shorts this month and you select,me this will not be forgotten me,everything okay sir can I help you,awesome old man I'm fine just waiting,for my wife to come out so I can spook,her,apart from I love you I miss you I can't,live without you,whichever Josie no if you remember these,things you qualify for a veteran's,discount when you realize you've made a,stupid decision what if I become in,class like got 40 minutes left that's,two 20-minute halves just gotta get,through 10 mins 4 times this is how I,stayed alive in my senior year I'm glad,I'm not the only one who thinks of time,like this me as a wife husband welcome,home,I'm hiding in a house of enough gun here,is the other one the loser cooks dinner,tonight,me too odds be ever in your favor xoxo,wife damn it's kinda hard,why do paintings of people's centuries,ago never show pimples you're telling me,these people who drank poo water and,took baths two times a decade had clear,skin,my daughter has gotten into writing,comics lately this is my favorites hey,lady do you want to go on a date I'm,just a dog with long hair oh sorry to,bother you this is a masterpiece my,friends things people do in small towns,drive around eat the same food,restaurants drive around more go to town,there's slightly bigger make a bonfire,cool friend to see if they want to drive,around the lady from bird bogs looks,like MJ,ah how autumn I that Sandra Bullock has,become the lady from bird box how to,start an essay wrong way in this essay I,will discuss right way so I'm sitting,there barbecue sauce on my duties with,your current account balance which Apple,products can you buy Apple um,why your teacher look like SpongeBob's,grandma me finding the perfect playlist,for my 4 minute drive to the grocery,store my god this dog is possessed well,this was a highlight of my day hey if,you're not gay my friend thinks you're,cute user number and if you are gay,here's mine,did you know the loader number of,McDonald's ketchup the sweeter it is and,the higher the more sour I was today,years old when I found this out do you,ever catch yourself being mean for no,reason and you're just like go take a,nap I'm dead this baby looks like she,really doesn't believe a thing you just,says haha look I've got your nose then,how come I can still smell your bull paw,auntie Brenda riddle me that's today,this guy was trying to find his wife in,Fred Mayer and he yelled Marco and she,yelled back polo and he looks at me and,says that came from the wine section,didn't it and oh my god I think I just,saw my actual future vegan pizza tasty,at first I thought he was wearing the,heels what is going on,this might mine deceive me did you,realize that if you sit on the toilet at,11:59 and a clock strikes midnight it's,the same it's different day you're not,best friends if you didn't hate each,other when you first met today I realize,plankton eats holographic meatloaf for,dinner because holograms are projections,of lights and plankton gain energy,through photosynthesis Wow moms are so,fake when people come over shaking my,head do you moan or cuss depends I'll,get the food is but usually both left,2008 a young Joseph meets his,idle Michael Phelps writes 2016 Joseph,meets Michael Phelps in the Olympics,never give up on your dreams thanks for,that really appreciate the inspiration,job interview Wonka any questions,Oompa Lo

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