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Musk's Problematic Twitter Takeover | Barack Obama Is "Still Fine" | Lula Wins In BrazilWELCOME TO "

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Updated on Jan 30,2023

Musk's Problematic Twitter Takeover | Barack Obama Is "Still Fine" | Lula Wins In Brazil

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.,FIRST OF ALL,-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ),HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY IT'S THE SCARIEST NIGHT IN,AMERICA, JUST ABOVE EVERY OTHER NIGHT IN AMERICA., ( LAUGHTER ) STILL RIDIN' A SUGAR HIGH,,WELCOME TO LATE NIGHT. DON'T FALL ASLEEP, NO MATTER,WHAT YOUR PARENTS SAY, BECAUSE THE MINUTE YOU GO TO BED,,THEY'RE STEALING ALL YOUR BEST CANNED.,I'M TALKING KIT KAT. KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?,KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? GIVE ME A BREAK., ( APPLAUSE ) YEAR?,I'M DRESSED UP AS MY DOG BENNY. ( LAUGHTER ),IT'S A VERY SPECIAL HALLOWEEN BECAUSE THE POWERBALL JACKPOT,HAS REACHED $1 BILLION. ( APPLAUSE ),HAS REACHED $1 BILLION. ( APPLAUSE ),BEEN THIS HIGH IN POWERBALL'S HISTORY.,BEFORE POWERBALL, OF COURSE, THE MOST POPULAR LOTTO GAME WAS JUST,BALL. THE WINNER WOULD GET A BALL.,THE LOSER WOULD GET TYPHUS. ALSO THE WINNER.,THE POWERBALL DRAWING OCCURRED AT 11:00 P.M. TONIGHT, WHICH IS,AFTER WE TAPE THIS SHOW. BUT I CAN ALREADY ANNOUNCE THE,WINNING NUMBERS: THEY ARE 4, 9, 20, 22, 69, WITH,A POWERBALL OF 20. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ),YOU CAN TAKE IT TO THE BANK! HOW DO I KNOW?,BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE ONES ON MY TICKET.,SO THAT'S WHAT WON, REGARDLESS OF THE LIES YOU HEAR IN THE,MAINSTREAM MEDIA. ( APPLAUSE ),IF I WIN-- IF I AM CORRECT, I WILL SPLIT THIS WITH EVERYONE IN,THIS ROOM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).,OKAY? THAT'S RIGHT.,OKAY? LIKE 95-5.,OF COURSE, I HOPE EVERYONE WINS. WE ALL NEED SOMETHING TO CHEER,US UP, AFTER THAT MANIAC BROKE INTO NANCY PELOSI'S HOUSE AND,HIT HER HUSBAND IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER.,NOW, PAUL PELOSI IS STILL IN THE HOSPITAL.,THANKFULLY, HE IS EXPECTED TO MAKE A FULL RECOVERY.,THE ATTACKER-- ( APPLAUSE )., ( APPLAUSE ) FEDERAL CHARGES FOR ASSAULT AND,ATTEMPTED KIDNAPPING, IS NAMED DAVID WAYNE DEPAPE.,WE'VE GOT TO STOP GIVING PEOPLE THE MIDDLE NAME "WAYNE.",IT NEVER ENDS WELL. DAVID "WAYNE" DEPAPE.,JOHN "WAYNE" GACY. OSAMA "WAYNE" LADEN., ( LAUGHTER ) IT APPEARS DEPAPE IS EXTREMELY,MENTALLY ILL AND HAS ALSO MADE RACIST POSTS ONLINE, INCLUDING,SOME THAT QUESTIONED THE RESULTS OF THE 2020 ELECTION, DEFENDED,THE FORMER PRESIDENT, AND ECHOED QANON CONSPIRACY THEORIES.,SO EITHER HE'S GOING TO BE INSTITUTIONALIZED, OR THE G.O.P.,NOMINEE IN 2024. ( APPLAUSE ), ( APPLAUSE ) COMMON IN AMERICA NOW, BUT,HERE'S SOMETHING I DIDN'T SEE COMING: DEPAPE IS FROM BRITISH,COLUMBIA. HE'S CANADIAN.,THAT'S HOW TOXIC OUR POLITICS ARE-- CANADA GOT A CONTACT,CRAZY. ( LAUGHTER ),TO "DUDLEY DID-WHAT?!" THE DISCOURSE IN AMERICA IS,ABOUT TO GET WAY WORSE THANKS TO NEW TWITTER C.E.O. ELON MUSK,( BOOING ) SEEN HERE WATCHING STREET,URCHINS SCRAMBLE FOR HIS DISCARDED CHICKEN BONE.,MUSK TOOK OVER TWITTER ON FRIDAY AND, IMMEDIATELY, THERE WAS AN,EXPLOSION OF HATE SPEECH, INCLUDING USE OF THE N-WORD ON,THE PLATFORM, WHICH JUMPED 500%, LEADING TWITTER TO CHANGE THE,LANDING PAGE FROM WHAT'S HAPPENING?,TO >> "WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?!?!?!",>> Stephen: THE COMPANY BLAMED IT ON TROLLS, BUT OF ALL THE,TROLLS ON TWITTER, NONE ARE TROLLIER THAN THE TROLL WHO JUST,BOUGHT IT, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, MUSK REPLIED,TO A TWEET FROM HILLARY CLINTON ABOUT THE ATTACK ON PAUL PELOSI,THAT CONDEMNED THE VIOLENCE AND CONSPIRACY THEORIES WITH A LINK,TO A HOMOPHOBIC CONSPIRACY THEORY BLAMING THE VICTIM OF THE,VIOLENCE. THAT'S NOT JUST AWFUL.,THAT IS BEYOND THE PALE-- AND SO IS ELON MUSK., ( LAUGHTER ) NOT SO MUCH MOBY AS JUST A DICK., ( APPLAUSE ) THAR HE BLOWS!,BOY, THAT MAKES ME MAD. I JUST WANT TO-- WHAT DO I WANT,TO DO, SPEAKER PELOSI? >> I'M GOING TO PUNCH HIM OUT.,I'M GOING TO GO TO JAIL, AND I'M GOING TO BE HAPPY.", ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HELP DON'T CROSS NANCY.,IS THIS TRUE? I AM BEING TOLD THERE IS NEWS OF,MUSK BREAKING TWITTER, BECAUSE WE FOUND OUT TODAY THAT ELON,MUSK HAS DISSOLVED THE COMPANY'S BOARD AND CROWNED HIMSELF SOLE,DIRECTOR. THAT SOUNDS POWER-MAD.,BUT DON'T WORRY. BEFORE HE GOT THAT TITLE, HE RAN,IT BY THE C.F.O., ELON MUSK; THE HEAD OF H.R., ELON MUSK; AND THE,PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO ELON MUSK, ELON MUSK., ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S IT.,IT'S DONE. ( APPLAUSE ),LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU, KIDS: IF YOU WORK HARD, AND,BECOME WEALTHY AND POWERFUL ENOUGH, ONE DAY, YOU, TOO, CAN,PAY $44 BILLION TO SIT IN A ROOM BY YOURSELF., ( LAUGHTER ) THE MIDTERMS, COMING UP.,THE MIDTERMS ARE A WEEK FROM TOMORROW.,THE RACE IS TIGHTENING, SO THE DEMOCRATS HAVE UNLEASHED THEIR,SECRET WEAPON: BARACK OBAMA. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ),I KNOW. I KNOW.,CONSTITUTION. HE SPENT THE WEEKEND DOING,RALLIES FOR HIS PARTY, AND SOME LADIES IN MICHIGAN WERE INTO IT.,>> NOW, I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT SOMETIMES GOING OUT ON THE,CAMPAIGN TRAIL FEELS A LITTLE HARDER THAN IT USED TO, NOT JUST,BECAUSE I'M OLDER AND GRAYER. ( CHEERING ),OKAY. ( APPLAUSE ),YOU SAID THAT. ( LAUGHTER ), ( LAUGHTER ) POINT OUT, THAT'S TWO THINGS THE,45th PRESIDENT WILL NEVER HAVE: A CROWD SHOUTING HOW HOT HE IS,AND

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GOP Knives Are Out For Mitch McConnell | Fake Corporate Twitter Accounts Have Real World Impact

GOP Knives Are Out For Mitch McConnell | Fake Corporate Twitter Accounts Have Real World Impact

well from one and all to The Late Show  I'm your host Stephen Colbert and I don't,or know about you but one week ago tonight I  was a little stressed out you know just about  ,silly stuff that in retrospect I shouldn't have  been too concerned about like the rising tide  ,of fascism and then the election  came and I continued to be stressed out for  ,four more days because we didn't know who had  won in Nevada Well turns out what happens in  ,Vegas takes four days to figure out what the  hell happened but but there we go there you go  ,but on Saturday night we learned that the  Democrats are keeping control of the Senate,there you go,ah turns out that Red Wave  was actually a blue splash  ,just as the maxipad  commercials foretold ,the Democrats sealed the deal in Nevada  where Catherine Cortez masto defeated  ,her GOP opponent of course this is Nevada so  Cortez masto can either take the win and walk  ,away or go double or nothing because come on it  wouldn't be great to be both Senators Catherine  ,control of the Senate means the Democrats will  be able to approve judges block legislation  ,from the potential GOP house and most crucially  pick the theme of the Senate homecoming dance  ,Bernie's pushing for enchantment under the soup, the Democrats victory in Nevada  means the Georgia runoff will no longer  ,determine control of the Senate so Georgians  will have to come up with a new reason to  ,vote for Herschel Walker for many of them  it'll be he's my dad what are you gonna do,now the Republicans failed to take back the  Senate they're rolling up their sleeves and  ,coming together to pick a scapegoat and  hurl them down An Elevator Shaft right  ,now knives are out for Senate minority  leader and clinically depressed pudding  ,Mitch McConnell and Florida Senator and  newly discovered Cave Fish Rick Scott  ,Republican candidates are mad at McConnell  for not telling the voters what the GOP would  ,do if they got control of the Senate and there  even matter Rick Scott for telling voters what  ,they would do if they got control of the Senate  specifically Scott talked about cutting Social  ,Security and Medicare which resulted in scaring  older voters and Rick Scott's not supposed to  ,be scaring older voters supposed to be scaring  Harry Potter and his meddling friends   ,smooth,most shocking of all some of the  GOP blame is going to the person  ,who actually deserves it former president chitloaf,according to one Republican strategist  they lost because of the ex-president's  ,hand-picked conspiracy candidates saying the  my pillowization of the GOP has been a disaster  ,to which Mike Lindell responded use promo code  GOP disaster for 20 off your next pillow sham  ,sham like the Sham elections  ,champ elsewhere a prominent election denier  was denied his election and finally admitted  ,it I'm talking about Pennsylvania Republican  gubernatorial candidate and haunted testicle,  ,Doug mastriano mastriano believed and this  is true believed God himself would ensure  ,his victory so it was extra sweet when this  Sunday Doug mastriano conceded to Josh Shapiro  ,Hallelujah Hallelujah yes on a Sunday  reminds me of the inspirational poster  ,wherein the Lord says the times when  you saw only one set of footprints on  ,the beach that's because I didn't want to  be seen anywhere near Doug mastriano he's,before the,before the midterms the former president had  been teasing his 2024 presidential kickoff for  ,tomorrow right it was supposed to be tomorrow  but now that so many of his candidates got  ,creamed Republicans are advising him to delay  his announcement until after the Senate runoff  ,in Georgia and so he's going to announce tomorrow  advisors of the former president claim he's eager  ,to start attacking other potential GOP hopeful  saying I would expect him to come out swinging  ,or sounds scary at first but remember when  he comes out swinging it looks like this,thank you,breaks my heart breaks my heart there's more  chaos at Twitter thanks to new CEO Elon Musk  ,seen here definitely at his first rodeo it's  been just over two weeks since musk paid 44  ,billion dollars to buy Twitter and the company's  gone into a tailspin ad revenue is plunged must  ,has already fired half of Twitter's employees and  late last week he warned the remaining staff that  ,bankruptcy is possible he's going to lose it  all unless he can find someone even richer and  ,stupider than he is to buy it I would try  the Monopoly guy his car is a friggin shoe,he traded the thimble in for a shoot,one company is brave enough to stick it out  because SpaceX purchased a big advertising  ,campaign on Twitter yes on SpaceX is  Gonna Save elon's Twitter and elon's  ,solar panel company is going to save  elon's Tesla it's the circle of jerk,hey,musk is also working on other Cutting Edge  solutions to save the company specifically  ,he's tweeting his butt off right now he's  on track to post more than 750 times this  ,month or more than 25 ti

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T**** Allowed Back On Twitter, Won't "Partake" In Special Counsel | Why Qatar Was A Bad Choice

T**** Allowed Back On Twitter, Won't "Partake" In Special Counsel | Why Qatar Was A Bad Choice

welcome one and all to The Late Show I'm  your host Stephen Colbert now I don't,folks I don't want I don't want  to jinx anything but it is really  ,beginning to look like there may possibly  be a small chance of sometime in the future  ,consequences for former president Pepto abysmal,because just Friday Friday because on Friday  attorney general Merrick Garland named a  ,special counsel to probe the former president its  former Federal prosecutor and general zod's cousin  ,Jack Smith kneel before Smith Jack Smith if  that is his real name has a hell of a resume  ,to take this assignment he had to leave his  current job at the Hague where he investigated  ,war crimes in Kosovo so he's perfect to go out  for the ex-president he already has experience  ,dealing with disasters that peaked in the  90s Smith is going to take over,hey remember the 90s Smith is going to take over  both the January 6th and the Mar-A-Lago documents  ,case and a lot of legal experts believe this  means that the former president could be headed  ,for trouble they're not alone even before Smith  was tapped former Attorney General Bill Barr  ,said this I personally think that they probably  have the basis for legitimately indicting the  ,president well I personally think I can't  personally go through this again Bill Barr  ,I had my heart broken before by you Bill Barr  ,after you redacted the Mueller apart well you  can't redact my feelings it's always Mueller time,now that said the time we got here it's modern  time smaller time this news does make it seem  ,like there's an indictment around the corner  and the former president had kind of a weird  ,reaction saying I am not going to partake  in it I'm not going to partake in this oh  ,he doesn't want to partake you know what I'm no  lawyer but I didn't realize that was one of the  ,options the suspect does not want to partake in  the investigation your honor while admittedly  ,the prosecution does have overwhelming evidence  of his guilt my client pleads not feeling it,now former president did get  some good news uh this weekend  ,because on Saturday Elon Musk  reinstated his Twitter account,Elon I Won't Go Back the racism the misspelling  the calls to violence the dad dads remember  ,the dot dot dots remember  the I am not I am not,you know what I am not going to partake in it of  course musk ever the genius approach the decision  ,scientifically with a Twitter poll the former  president won with an overwhelming majority of  ,51.8 percent good enough for musk who announced  the reinstatement with the Latin phrase vox populi  ,Vox day which means the voice of the people  is the voice of God well I took a little pig  ,latin in college so let me respond by saying aksay  and agbe of X day so next day ixnay on The X day,so so musco is based on a 1.8 majority in a  completely made-up poll ridden with Bots I'm  ,super cool reinstating a maniac whose last  tweet celebrated a violent coup attempt on  ,Capitol Hill and in return for that complete  moral debasement the former president said  ,no thanks look what he said Elon he did put  up a poll and I hear it's very overwhelming  ,very strong but I have something called  Trump if you look at strump bone but it's  ,uh it's really fantastic truth social he  couldn't even remember the name of his,own he's got to be he's got to be the worst  huckster of all time ladies and gentlemen  ,step right up and Sample doctor what's my name  doctor doctor sends magic Elixir guaranteed to  ,give you or cure you stuff and things wait come  back did I mention it has mercury now turning to  ,our current president today was the annual turkey  pardon a day when this country's most notorious  ,turkey criminals walk free then walk around in  circles then Bonk into a tree and if it rains  ,they look up and they drown they're very dumb  this year's you know that right you can't leave  ,turkeys outside because if it rains they look up  and they drown eating them is a mercy  ,no letters please here's CBS as a member of the  turkey Community this year's that was,foreign,this year's lucky turkeys are chocolate and chip  ,and the president kicked it off by welcoming the  folks who came to look at the confused Birds It's  ,a Wonderful Thanksgiving tradition here at the  White House there's a lot to say about it but it's  ,chilly outside so I'm going to keep this short  nobody likes it when their turkey gets cold yeah,nobody likes turkey when it's cold who ever heard  of a turkey sandwich especially with a  ,little cranberry sauce some stuffing on there  eating at 1am while watching forged and fire  ,with a dog to his credit the president did  not hog the mic anyway do you want to talk,he's doing he's doing turkey crowd work all right  who here's from a factory farm raise your wing  ,don't you hate it when they don't warm up  ,the baster anyway gobble gobble  that's my set tip your Handler,yeah it's always in there this weekend  uh there were some other big events at  ,the

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DeSantis Ad Implies He Was Chosen By God | Twitter Bans Users For Impersonating Elon Musk

DeSantis Ad Implies He Was Chosen By God | Twitter Bans Users For Impersonating Elon Musk

welcome welcome one and all to The Late Show  I'm your host Stephen Colbert well ladies  ,and gentlemen listen to that listen to that lamp  please I know that is that there's an electricity  ,in the air everybody knows it this is it it's  midterms Eve yeah be sure to leave out a plate  ,of cookies and a cold glass of Xanax because a  lot of people are anxious and that is exactly the  ,way the news media wants you remember remember  I watched a couple of weeks ago that the media  ,was going to spend every waking minute leading  up to the midterms yanking your chain like they  ,were trying to start a flooded lawnmower well one  day the TV news is out there saying oh Democrats  ,are up in the polls it's shattering historical  precedent then as Republicans will seek the Senate  ,rule the night and feast on human flesh then the  next day they're like or not you know take this  ,final National NBC News poll which declares that  48 percent of Voters say they prefer a democratic  ,controlled Congress while 47 percent prefer  Republican which is a reversal from October when  ,48 prefer the GOP and 47 percent want a Democrats  which can only mean the Democrats flipped Linda,flipping Linda I saw that movie and today the last  day before the election we spotted this actual  ,headline in The Daily Beast pollsters have no  idea what's going to happen this election really,they can I didn't realize,they can do that looks like a weatherman saying  looking out to the weekend be sure to bring your  ,umbrella and your sunscreen don't forget  those ice skates folks because it's a hot  ,mess out there unless it's a cold mess that's  the forecast with a margin of error of one to  ,four tornadoes now over to Phil with sports and  or local murders regardless Phil skip to the lou  ,regardless of what happens all signs point to  something happening so the Late Show will be  ,live tomorrow right here from the Ed Sullivan  Theater live my friends you know you know that  ,feeling it is every comedian's dream to say those  iconic words live from New York it's Tuesday night,with some nice snaps in Dante thank  you with the races coming out of  ,the wire the candidates were out  saying stuff this weekend we heard  ,from Georgia Senate candidate Herschel  Walker seen here trying to play tennis,at a rally Walker expressed how mad he is  that Democrats have focused so much on his  ,personal life why are they talking about  things that really matter because they  ,don't have a solution for those things and I  said I do have a solution but I'm not going to  ,tell them because you tell them that thing  they came up with it that's right Herschel  ,don't you reveal any of your great  Solutions just to make sure they  ,stay safe put them wherever you hide  your secret children we also heard,we also heard from Pennsylvania  Senate candidate and Grandma's  ,new boyfriend who just got added to her will,Dr mehmedaz had a campaign event with former  president Oz asked a favor of his supporters,when you awaken I want you to contact 10 people do  it at church two before the Steelers game okay one  ,problem the Steelers did not play on Sunday kind  of important in Pennsylvania that's a big mistake  ,but then again maybe he was just confusing the  Steelers with his home team the Newark airports,the Jersey turnpikes,Oz is troubles uh don't stop there because  on Thursday we got a surprise statement from  ,the woman who launched Dr Oz's career Oprah  Winfrey if I lived in Pennsylvania I would have  ,already cast my vote for John fetterman  for many reasons yes four many reasons  ,yes and one of those reasons is that Dr Oz also  starts sentences with if I lived in Pennsylvania,Joe Biden uh held a rally in Pennsylvania and  he had some Choice words about Dr Oz and Oz  ,in Pennsylvania   ,look I've lived I lived in Pennsylvania  longer The Naz has lived in Pennsylvania  ,and I moved away when I was 10 years old back  then they called it old Quakertown Philadelphia  ,had a big beautiful bell not a crack in sight  but Dad used to say to me say to me Joey I  ,don't want you spending time with that Benji  Franklin kid always flying kites and chasing  ,petticoats won't amount to Hilla Beans by  the way get off that hill of beans that's  ,dinner come on Joe Jack Redcoats are coming the  previous no I'm serious folks no I no no come on  ,the previous president had his own rally and he  was laser focused on the biggest issue of 2022  ,2024 specifically who he's theoretically leading  in the polls and he's already testing out new  ,nicknames let's say there it is Trump at 71 Rhonda  sanctimonious said 10 to sanctimonious really Des  ,sanctimonious yeah there's nothing voters like  more than insults from a word a day calendar let's  ,get bellicose to Santa's is a pusillanimous sink  event incarcerate him Aloft incarcerate him Aloft  ,but before DeSantis can face off against the  former president he has to get reelected as  ,governor of Florida his campaign just released 

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Twitter Blue Goes Off the Rails & Colorado Legalizes Shrooms | The Daily Show

Twitter Blue Goes Off the Rails & Colorado Legalizes Shrooms | The Daily Show

let's kick things off with the midterm,elections a night so disappointing for,Republicans Mitch McConnell is flying,his Jaws at half mast,right now there are several big races,that are still too close to call for,instance will Republican Adam laxalt,hold on to his lead in the Nevada Senate,race Will Lauren bobert Sleek squeak one,out in Colorado will election deny a,Kerry Lake accept the results if she,loses the Arizona Governor's race or,will she try to hang whoever Arizona's,Mike Pence is nobody knows,and one reason it's so hard to predict,the results is that Americans cost,ballots in so many different ways and,they all come in differently and,separately right right Democrats tend to,vote early by mail or Dropbox,Republicans show up on Election Day or,use military ballots and Herschel Walker,votes the way he fathers his children,absentee but there is one unfinished,race,that's not all that close and it's a,real trip we are still watching,proposition 122 which appears likely to,pass and if it does Colorado would,essentially legalize psychedelic,mushrooms passing the proposition would,decriminalize personal possession right,away and then it would allow licensed,medical facilities to administer the,natural medicine starting in 2024. yeah,that's right after being one of the,first States,to legalize marijuana Colorado is now,one of the first states to legalize,mushrooms and I think it's great I think,it is yeah because of creating like a,instead of creating a drug underworld,Colorado's bringing everything out into,the open you know you can Legalize It,you can regulate it it's like those,parents who give their kids wine with,dinner you know it's like yeah I'd,rather they be drunk in front of me,because it's safer and also it's funny,to watch them bumping into things go,look at you Tyler,and I know right now I know right now,there's some people seeing this,logariance effect and they're panicking,they're like shrooms who are going to be,legal what and I'm like but hey hey just,relax relax,breathe,you're going to be just fine,just drink more water,and listen to some Enya okay,Enya and yeah,and yeah it's a weird name I'm freaking,out again,but personally I'm all for drug laws,getting less restrictive and if they do,officially legalize shrooms I'm also,excited for their next ballot measure,why are my hands so big,now if we had more time we could talk,about whether the acceptance of,recreational drug use can lead to,increased understanding of the,therapeutic value of psychedelics or how,weird it is that drugs are like the one,illegal thing we get to vote on to make,legal you know like why don't we,legalize jaywalking or even better Jay,driving why do the pedestrians have the,sidewalks all to themselves huh but we,don't have the time for any of that,because while the U.S is abandoning the,War on Drugs Ukraine is still fighting,its war with Russia and its leader just,got some really strange military,assistance the actor Sean Penn most,often doing the unpredictable he did it,again this time loaning his Oscar to the,president of Ukraine but it comes with a,condition video posted online shows pen,handing the Oscar to Ukrainian president,zielinski he said zielinski can't keep,it until Ukraine wins the war against,Russia Penn has visited Ukraine several,times since the fighting began last,February but if I know this is here with,you then I'll then I'll feel better and,stronger for the fights,but until we will when you when you win,bring it back to Malibu right okay,I don't even know how to process,this information and am I on mushrooms,is is it happening already like I really,I don't get it how does the Oscar help,zielinski fight the wall,he's supposed to use it as a weapon I,mean if that's the case at least give,him two so he can use them like,nunchucks like on a chain you know and,it would be strange enough if he just,gave him an Oscar to help win the war,but he wants zelinski to return it,that was the weird part for me is like,make sure you bring this back to me,a lot of responsibility the man is,already running a war against Russia now,he's gotta make sure that nothing,happens to Sean Penn's Oscar,it's like Air Raid Sirens are going off,there like quickly sir quickly everyone,get to the bunker he's like I'm coming I,just need to find short pens,it back he needs it back,the only way I think this could work is,if zielinski gave the Oscar to Putin and,then while Putin gave the acceptance,speech the music just played him off and,then he had to leave Ukraine oh wait I,wasn't finished okay good night goodbye,everybody,I actually hope that zelinski is a fan,of Sean Penn's movies,because we don't know what else happened,there it might have gotten really,awkward,Sean Penn is like here I want you to,have my best actor Oscar for milk,yes he is one of my favorite film my,I remember watching it and thinking wow,that is a lot of milk,no way you can drink all that milk,powerful story,now if we had more time we could talk,about the oth

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Trump Thinks The Migrant Caravan Is On Twitter

Trump Thinks The Migrant Caravan Is On Twitter

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"" ONE AND ALL.,I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.,( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY!,HAPPY HALLOWEEN.,TONIGHT I'VE DRESSED IN MY FAVORITE COSTUME: MAN WHO,DOESN'T SLEEP MUCH.,BUT I HOPE THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE SOON, BECAUSE THE MIDTERM,ELECTIONS ARE JUST SIX DAYS AWAY.,AND ON ELECTION DAY, "THE LATE SHOW" WILL BE LIVE FROM THE ED,SULLIVAN THEATER, 11:30, TUESDAY NIGHT!, ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S THE BIG NIGHT.,WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR IT.,LITERALLY, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.,THE DEMOCRATS CAN WIN.,THE REPUBLICANS CAN WIN.,TWO THINGS CAN HAPPEN.,TWO-- ANY OF THOSE TWO THINGS COULD HAPPEN.,NOW, LEADING UP TO THE ELECTION, TRUMP'S A LITTLE NERVOUS, SO,HE'S TRIED EVERYTHING TO SCARE HIS BASE INTO VOTING FOR,REPUBLICANS.,AND TODAY HE SPOKE ABOUT A THREAT TO THE ONE THING MOST,PRECIOUS TO HIM: MONEY.,>> IF THE MIDTERMS FOR SOME REASON DON'T DO SO WELL FOR,REPUBLICANS, I THINK YOU'RE ALL GOING TO LOSE A LOT OF MONEY.,I HATE TO SAY THAT.,I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE A LOT OF MONEY.,>> Stephen: I BELIEVE THAT'S CALLED EXTORTION., ( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP),"LOOK, I'M JUST GOING TO SAY, REALLY NICE ECONOMY YOU'VE GOT,HERE.,I'D HATE TO SEE SOMETHING HAPPEN TO IT.,I'M JUST SAYING, I'VE STUFFED THE DOW WITH OILY RAGS, AND MY,SON ERIC LOVES TO PLAY WITH MATCHES.", ( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?,NOW, HOW DOES HE KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT MACROECONOMICS?,EASY, HE USED TO HOST A REALITY SHOW.,>> I DID "THE APPRENTICE," WHICH BECAME A GREAT SHOW, A VERY,,VERY SUCCESSFUL SHOW-- TREMENDOUSLY SUCCESSFUL.,I DID IT FOR 14 SEASONS, 12 YEARS.,SO SUCCESSFUL THEY PUT IT ON TWICE SOMETIMES.,AND, UH, AS SOON AS I LEFT, THAT SHOW WENT DOWN THE TUBES.,SO YOU KNOW?,JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS, RIGHT?,I DON'T KNOW IF I FEEL HAPPY ABOUT THAT OR SAD.,I'VE NEVER FIGURED THAT OUT.,>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I NEVER KNEW IF I FELT HAPPY,,OR SAD, OR IF I HAD ANY FEELINGS, REALLY., ( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY ONES I'VE EVER BEEN,SURE OF ARE ANGER AND AROUSAL, USUALLY AT THE SAME THINGS,,OKAY.,THAT'S WHY I SPEAK BEHIND A PODIUM.", ( LAUGHTER ) AND LATER-- AND LATER-- I'M JUST,SAYING-- WHAT!,WHAT!,>> Jon: THAT ONE TOOK A MINUTE FOR ME TO GRASP.,>> Stephen: HE'S GOT THE POD I DIDN'T MEAN, LITTLE PODIUM.,AND LATER, DURING TODAY'S CHOPPER TALK, HE DANGLED HIS NEW,FAVORITE RED MEAT.,>> BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP IS A VERY, VERY IMPORTANT SUBJECT.,IN MY OPINION, IT'S MUCH LESS COMPLEX THAN PEOPLE THINK.,I THINK IT SAYS IT VERY LOUD AND CLEAR IN THE CONSTITUTION THAT,YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE PROCESS OF WHATEVER THEY'RE,TALKING ABOUT., ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NO, NO, HE'S RIGHT,THERE.,THE CONSTITUTION IS LOUD AND CLEAR:,14th AMENDMENT, SECTION TWO: "ALL PERSONS BORN IN THE UNITED,STATES DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE PROCESS OF WHATEVER WE'RE,TALKING ABOUT.", ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ),OBAMA WAS LITERALLY A CONSTITUTIONAL PROFESSOR,,LITERALLY.,AND THIS-- THIS-- THIS BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP THING IS,TRUMP'S SOUP OF THE DAY.,THIS MORNING, HE TWEETED: (AS TRUMP),"SO-CALLED BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP, WHICH COSTS OUR,COUNTRY BILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND IS VERY UNFAIR TO OUR CITIZENS,,WILL BE ENDED ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.", ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: "ENDED ONE WAY OR,THE OTHER"?,IS HE THREATENING BABIES?, (AS TRUMP) "LOOK, I AM SENDING THE MILITARY,TO DELIVERY ROOMS TO STOP THESE LITTLE INVADERS FROM CROSSING,THEIR MOTHERS' SOUTHERN BORDERS, I SAY WE SEND THOSE TROOPS,,SEND THEM STRAIGHT BACK THROUGH CERVIX-ICO ALL THE WAY TO,HOND-UTERUS!" YOU'VE GOT TO GO-- THEY'RE,BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.,>> Jon: REALLY, REALLY?,>> Stephen: THIS TIME OF YEAR, CERVIX-ICO IS BEAUTIFUL THIS,TIME OF YEAR.,THE POINT IS IT'S POINT IS-- ( LAUGHTER ),THE BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP ISSUE IS A TRANSPARENT AND RACIST PLOY,TO TURN OUT THE REPUBLICAN BASE FOR THE MIDTERMS.,OR SO I THOUGHT.,THEN I SAW THIS: A MANDARIN DUCK MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARED IN CENTRAL,PARK, EVEN THOUGH IT'S USUALLY ONLY FOUND IN CHINA AND JAPAN.,IT'S CLEAR WHY THE DUCK IS HERE-- SHE'S GOING TO LAY HER,EGGS ON AMERICAN SOIL SO SHE CAN HAVE ANCHOR DUCKLINGS!, ( LAUGHTER ) THEN THEY'LL JUST LIVE OFF THE,SOCIAL SECURITY, BECAUSE MOST OF THE OLD PEOPLE WHO FEED DUCKS,ARE ON SOCIAL SECURITY.,IT'S A LITERAL HANDOUT.,THE PRESIDENT ALSO TRIPLED DOWN ON THE DIRE THREAT SHAMBLING,1,000 MILES AWAY FROM OUR BORDER.,THIS MORNING HE TWEETED: THE CARAVAN IS MADE UP OF FIGHTERS,AND PEOPLE.,>> Stephen: DOES THAT MEAN SOME OF THE FIGHTERS AREN'T,PEOPLE.,ARE THEY STEPHEN MILLER?,WHAT ARE THEY?,AND HE WASN'T DONE SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF PEOPLE.,A FEW MINUTES LATER, HE TWEETED: (AS TRUMP),"OUR MILITARY IS BEING MOBILIZED AT THE SOUTHERN BORDER.,MANY MORE TROOPS COMING.,WE WILL NOT LET THESE CARAVANS, WHICH ARE ALSO MADE UP OF SOME,VERY BAD THUGS AND GANG MEMBERS, INTO THE U.S.,OUR BORDER IS SACRED, MUST COME IN LEGALLY.,TURN AROUND!" ( LAUGHTER ),HE IDEAL IT AT THEM.,HE IDEAL, "TURN AROUND.",DOES HE THINK THE FOLKS IN THE CARAVAN ARE READING HIS,T

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The Colbert Report - Who's Attacking Me Now? - #CancelColbert

The Colbert Report - Who's Attacking Me Now? - #CancelColbert

(LAUGHTER) AND FOLKS, INTERNET EQUALITY IS,MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER, AS I LEARNED THIS WEEKEND WHEN THE,INTERWEBS TRIED TO SWALLOW ME WHOLE.,BUT I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I GOT LODGED IN ITS THROAT AND IT,HACKED ME BACK UP LIKE A HASTILY CHEWED CHICKEN WING.,(LAUGHTER) THIS IS WHO'S ATTACKING ME NOW.,(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME,ON THE INTERNET, WE TURN TO THE TV.,>> PEOPLE ARE CALLING FOR THE STEPHEN COLBERT SHOW TO BE,CANCELED AFTER A TWEET ABOUT ASIANS APPEARED ON THE COMEDY,CENTRAL TWITTER ACCOUNT.,>> #CANCELCOLBERT IS TRENDING THIS MORNING.,>> #CANCELCOLBERT IS TRENDING THIS MORNING.,>> #CANCELCOLBERT WENT VIRAL.,>> Stephen: BUT FOLKS, I'M STILL HERE!,(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN") >> Stephen: IT'S ALL BECAUSE,OF YOU PEOPLE!,THE DARK FORCES TRYING TO SILENCE MY MESSAGE OF CORE,CONSERVATIVE PRINCIPLES MIXED WITH YOUTH-FRIENDLY PRODUCT,PLACEMENT HAVE BEEN THWARTED.,(LAUGHTER) WENT THROUGH A FEW OF THESE THIS,WEEKEND.,BUT FOLKS, I'M NOT GOING TO LIE -- IT WAS CLOSE.,WE ALMOST LOST ME.,(LAUGHTER) I'M NEVER GOING TO TAKE ME FOR,GRANTED EVER AGAIN.,HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.,LAST WEDNESDAY, I SALUTED WASHINGTON REDSKINS OWNER DANIEL,SNYDER FOR HIS NEW CHARITY, THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS ORIGINAL,AMERICANS FOUNDATION.,WHICH SOME HAVE CALLED AN OBVIOUS ATTEMPT TO WIN OVER,NATIVE AMERICANS BECAUSE IT ONLY USES THE TERM "REDSKINS" ONCE IN,ITS NAME.,(LAUGHTER) NOW, I HAVE MY OWN RACIAL,MISUNDERSTANDING WITH THE ASIAN COMMUNITY OVER A LONG-RUNNING,AND BELOVED CHARACTER ON MY SHOW.,VERY IMPORTANT.,HE IS A CHARACTER.,HE IS NOT ME.,THIS IS THE REAL STEPHEN COLBERT.,I MEAN EVERYTHING I SAY ON THIS SHOW.,HE MEANS...,WELL, YOU WOULD HAVE TO ASK HIM.,AND HE'S NOT RETURNING MY CALLS.,ANYWAY, I WAS SO INSPIRED BY DAN SNYDER'S CHARITABLE OUTREACH,THAT I FORMED MY OWN CHARITY.,"THE CHING CHONG DING DONG FOUNDATION FOR SENSITIVITY TO,ORIENTALS OR WHATEVER.",(LAUGHTER) THAT WAS WEDNESDAY.,IT RERAN FOUR TIMES ON THURSDAY, WAS POSTED ON THE SHOW'S,Facebook PAGE.,NOT A PEEP OUT OF THE INTERNET.,THEN AROUND 7:00 ON THURSDAY, MY NETWORK'S PROMOTIONAL TWITTER,ACCOUNT, @COLBERTREPORT, TWEETED THE NAME OF MY FOUNDATION,WITHOUT PROVIDING A VIDEO LINK TO THE ORIGINAL SEGMENT OR,MENTIONING THAT I WAS INSPIRED BY THE REDSKINS CHARITY.,WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT A MEANS OF COMMUNICATION LIMITED TO 140,CHARACTERS WOULD EVER CREATE MISUNDERSTANDINGS?,(LAUGHTER) BUT I HAVE NEVER ONCE USED,@COLBERTREPORT.,AS YOU HEROES KNOW, I'M @STEPHENATHOME.,THOUGH FULL DISCLOSURE, I SOMETIMES TWEET FROM,@STEPHENATHOME AT WORK IN THE BATHROOM.,THEN, WHEN THE TWIT HIT THE FAN, THE BRAIN TRUST AT MY NETWORK,TOOK THE TWEET DOWN, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THIS INTERNET WORKS.,YOU CAN JUST TAKE STUFF DOWN AND NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW IT,HAPPENED.,JUST ASK MAYOR WIENER.,(LAUGHTER) NOW, I'M NOT TRYING TO THROW,ANYONE UNDER THE BUS HERE.,MOSTLY BECAUSE I DON'T GO THAT CLOSE TO PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.,BUT WHEN I SAW THE TWEET WITH NO CONTEXT, I UNDERSTOOD HOW PEOPLE,WERE OFFENDED.,SAME WAY I, AS AN IRISH-AMERICAN, WAS OFFENDED,AFTER READING ONLY ONE LINE OF JONATHAN SWIFT'S "A MODEST,PROPOSAL.",I MEAN, EAT IRISH BABIES?!,HASHTAG CANCEL SWIFT!,TREND IT!,(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE),NOW, ALL OF THIS WAS STARTED BY A HASHTAG ACTIVIST, OR A,HASHTIVIST, WHO HAS BEEN VICIOUSLY ATTACKED ON TWITTER.,IF ANYONE IS DOING THAT FOR ME, I WANT YOU TO STOP RIGHT NOW.,SHE'S JUST SPEAKING HER MIND.,THAT'S WHAT TWITTER'S FOR, AS WELL AS RUNNING THE ENDING OF,EVERY SHOW I HAVEN'T WATCHED YET.,NOW, THE CANCEL COLBERT PEOPLE THINK THAT EVEN IN CONTEXT, I'M,A RACIST.,I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I'M NOT A RACIST.,I DON'T EVEN SEE RACE.,NOT EVEN MY OWN.,PEOPLE TELL ME I'M WHITE, AND I BELIEVE THEM BECAUSE I JUST,DEVOTED SIX MINUTES TO EXPLAINING HOW I'M NOT A RACIST.,(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE),AND THAT'S ABOUT THE WHITEST THING YOU CAN DO.,NOW, ONCE THE CANCEL COLBERT HASHTAG GOT ROLLING, IT WAS ONE,TO HAVE THE TOP FIVE TRENDS FOR MORE THAN 36 HOURS BECAUSE,EVERYBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THE KING.,(LAUGHTER) THEN IT WAS PICKED UP BY A SMALL,GROUP OF AMERICANS WHO GET THEIR INFORMATION "ONLY" FROM,TWITTER -- THE NEWS MEDIA.,THERE WERE ONLINE STORIES IN THE "U.S.A. TODAY," THE,"NEW YORKER," "VARIETY," "SLATE," THE "HUFFINGTON POST,",THREE FEATURES ON "TIME DOT-COM" AND SEVEN ON "SALON.",CNN EVEN TOOK A BREAK FROM THEIR MALAYSIAN AIRLINER COVERAGE TO,REPORT SPOTTING WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS THE WRECKAGE OF MY,SHOW OFF THE COAST OF AUSTRALIA.,(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE),BUT MAYBE MOST HURTFUL, MY FELLOW CONSERVATIVES ABANDONED,ME IN MY TIME OF NEED.,LIKE MICHELLE MALKIN, WHO "CO-SIGNED" ON TO CANCEL-COLBERT,AND CALLED ME A "COWARD.",THIS CUTS DEEP, ESPECIALLY SINCE I LEARNED EVERYTHING I KNOW,ABOUT SENSITIVITY TO THE ASIAN-AMERICAN EXPERIENCE FROM,MICHELLE'S 2004 BOOK, "IN DEFENSE OF INTERNMENT.",(AUDIENCE BOOING) TURNS OUT THEY HAD IT COMING.,(LAUGHTER) ONE LESS THING TO FEEL GUILTY,ABOUT.,SO TO RECAP -- A WEB EDITOR I'VE NEVER MET POSTS A TWEET IN MY,NAME ON AN ACCOUNT I DON'T CONTROL, OUTRAGES A HASHTAG,ACTIVIST

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This Tweet Trumps All Other Horrible Trump Tweets

This Tweet Trumps All Other Horrible Trump Tweets

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW.",I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.,( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AS WE BROADCAST TONIGHT'S SHOW,,HURRICANE FLORENCE IS GRINDING IT'S WAY INTO THE EAST COAST.,I HOPE EVERYONE'S STAYING SAFE.,WE'RE THINKING OF YOU.,THIS THING IS SCARY.,ALMOST AS SCARY AS THE WEATHER CHANNEL'S GRAPHICS.,>> ONCE THAT WATER COMES UP TO THREE FEET, YOU CAN SEE IT WOULD,BE COMING UP MY SHINS, UP TOWARDS MY WAIST.,THIS COULD BE ENOUGH TO KNOCK YOU OFF YOUR FEET.,IT COULD EVEN FLOAT SOME CARS, THERE COULD BE CARS ON THE SIDE,OF THE ROADWAY.,THIS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS, BUT ONCE WE GET UP INTO THAT,SIX-FOOT RANGE-- LOOK AT HOW HIGH THIS WATER GOES.,WINDS PICK EVERYTHING UP, CARS WILL BE FLOATING AT THIS POINT.,THIS WATER'S OVER MY HEAD.,THIS IS AN EXTREMELY DANGEROUS AND LIFE-THREATENING SITUATION.,SO, IF YOU FIND YOURSELF HERE, PLEASE GET OUT.,IF YOU'RE TOLD TO GO, YOU NEED TO GO.,>> Stephen: YES, GET OUT.,( LAUGHTER ) OR GET YOURSELF ONE OF THOSE,MAGIC GRAY CIRCLES THAT WATER CAN'T TOUCH.,( LAUGHTER ) THAT WOULD ALSO BE GOOD.,WELL, WE WILL NOT BE OUTDONE BY THE WEATHER CHANNEL'S GRAPHICS.,LET'S CHECK IN ON THE STORM WITH OUR CHIEF METEOROLOGIST, SUNNY,THUNDERS.,>> BEHOLD HIS MIGHTY HAND!,( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YEAH, GREAT WORK.,GREAT WORK.,GREAT WORK.,THANKS, SUNNY.,STAY SAFE OUT THERE.,( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, WE DID,THE PRESIDENT ABOUT BEING A TERRIBLE PERSON, BUT IN REALITY,IT IS MUCH WORSE THAN WE COULD HAVE IMAGINED BECAUSE,PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BEEN LASER-FOCUSED ON HURRICANE,RESPONSE THIS WEEK, NOT THIS ONE, THE ONE A YEAR AGO BECAUSE,HE'S BEEN TWEETING A LOT ABOUT WHAT A GREAT JOB HE DID,RESPONDING TO HURRICANE MARIA THAT DECIMATED PUERTO RICO LAST,YEAR RESULTING IN THE DEATH OF ALMOST 3,000 AMERICAN CITIZENS.,IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE ANYTHING MORE HORRIBLE THAN THAT, OTHER,THAN THIS TWEET.,"3,000 PEOPLE DID NOT DIE IN THE TWO HURRICANES THAT HIT PUERTO,RICO.,WHEN I LEFT THE ISLAND, AFTER THE STORM HAD HIT, THEY HAD,ANYWHERE FROM 6-18 DEATHS.,AS TIME WENT BY, IT DID NOT GO UP BY MUCH.,THEN, A LONG TIME LATER, THEY STARTED TO REPORT REALLY LARGE,NUMBERS, LIKE 3,000.,DOT-DOT-DOT...,DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT THIS WAS DONE BY THE DEMOCRATS,IN ORDER TO MAKE ME LOOK AS BAD AS POSSIBLE, WHEN I WAS,SUCCESSFULLY RAISING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO HELP REBUILD PUERTO,RICO.,IF A PERSON DIED FOR ANY REASON, LIKE OLD AGE, JUST ADD THEM ONTO,THE LIST.,BAD POLITICS.,I LOVE PUERTO RICO!" ( AUDIENCE BOOING ),"THEY'RE MY FAVORITE BUNCH OF LYING, UNGRATEFUL, FAKE DEAD,PEOPLE!,I LIKE PUERTO RICANS WHO DON'T DIE.",( LAUGHTER ) I JUST WANT TO STATE THAT THIS,IS NOT ONLY A SICKENING TWEET, IT IS IS NO WAY TRUE.,AT THE GOVERNMENT'S REQUEST RESEARCHERS AT GEORGE WASHINGTON,UNIVERSITY'S MILKEN INSTITUTE SCHOOL OF PUBLIC HEALTH DID A,STUDY AND ESTIMATED THAT 2,975 PEOPLE DIED AS A RESULT OF THE,DISASTER AND ITS EFFECTS, WHICH UNFOLDED OVER MONTHS.,AND IT HAD BEEN PUSHED OUT OF THE FRONT PAGES BECAUSE OF ALL,THE OTHER BAD NEWS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP.,THEN HE BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN.,IT'S KIND OF LIKE HE WAS ON TRIAL FOR LITTERING AND SAID ON,THE STAND "I ONLY THREW THAT CUP OUT OF MY WINDOW BECAUSE I WAS,DISTRACTED BY THE HOMELESS MAN I RAN OVER.,PRETTY SURE HE DIED OF OLD AGE.,OKAY.,DEMOCRATS PUSHED HIM IN FRONT OF MY CAR .",( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND TRUMP'S LASHING OUT ALL OVER,THE PLACE.,REPUBLICANS REPORTEDLY BELIEVE THAT TRUMP WILL SOON FIRE,ATTORNEY GENERAL AND CABBAGE PATCH AMERICAN, JEFF SESSIONS.,( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS NO SURPRISE.,TRUMP HAS HAD MAJOR PROBLEMS WITH THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE.,MAINLY, THE JUSTICE PART.,( LAUGHTER ) BUT HERE'S THE THING, THEY DON'T,THINK ANYONE CAN GET CONFIRMED IF SESSIONS NEEDS TO BE REPLACED,AND, ON TOP OF THAT, NO ONE IN THE G.O.P. WANTS THE JOB.,WHEN ASKED, SENATOR JOHN CORNYN SAID, "WE ALREADY HAVE AN,ATTORNEY GENERAL.,I LOVE MY JOB.",( LAUGHTER ) LINDSEY GRAHAM RESPONDED, "NO.,I LIKE BEING A SENATOR.,THERE ARE PLENTY OF MORE QUALIFIED PEOPLE THAN ME.,BUNCHES OF THEM, THOUSANDS.",( LAUGHTER ) AND RAND PAUL REPLIED "WAS IST,DAS ATTORNEY GENERAL?,I AM HANS, A HUMBLE GERMAN TOURIST MIT NO OPINIONS.",( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE THAT HANS GUY.,( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUMP IS ALSO APPARENTLY,CONSIDERING FIRING DEFENSE SECRETARY AND MAN WHOSE EYES,COUNT AS CARRY-ON BAGS, JAMES MATTIS.,( LAUGHTER ) HE LOOKS TIRED.,A TOUGH JOB.,HE'S VERY TIRED.,>> Jon: WOW.,>> Stephen: VERY TIRED.,SECRETARY MATTIS IS FAMOUSLY NICKNAMED "MAD DOG MATTIS," THE,COOLEST MILITARY NICKNAME SINCE GENERAL WILLIAM,"CLINICALLY-DEPRESSED HORSE" WILKINS.,( LAUGHTER ) BUT OVER TIME, TRUMP HAS COME TO,REALIZE THAT MATTIS'S POLICIES AREN'T AS WILD AS HIS NICKNAME,SUGGESTS, AND TRUMP PRIVATELY CALLS MATTIS "MODERATE DOG".,"HEY, MODERATE DOG!,HAHA, YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY INSANE!,SUCKS TO BE YOU!" ( LAUGHTER ),AND WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT TRUMP'S MISMANAGEMENT STYLE,THANKS TO A NEW OP-ED BY THE FORMER V.P. OF CONSTRUCTION FOR,THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION, BARBARA REZ.,SHE WROTE THAT DURING THE CONSTRUCTION OF TRUMP TOWER, HE,WAS INSPECTING THE EL

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