dad jokes twitter

YOU LAUGH YOU LOSE - SIDEMEN DO BAD JOKESfirst you want me to go first why did,the wars let the enve


Updated on Jan 17,2023


first you want me to go first why did,the wars let the envelope I don't know,because he was looking for a good seal,if have you had the gossip about butter,no actually now I shouldn't spread it,what kind of underwear do long-distance,runners wear tonight,marathons what do you call the assistant,to the assistant nut the coco nut why,the cows have whose instead of feet,because they lacked toes how rich are,garbage men how it's filthy,what type of Apple grows on a tree what,all of them I don't often tell bad jokes,but when I do he laughs condoms ha those,were and God said to John come,forth and receive eternal life but he,came fifth I'm on a toaster Tommy what,happens to frogs then park illegally I,don't know what happens to frogs the,park illegally they get towed,what do you get when a cow is caught in,an earthquake that moves what do you,call a parallelogram there's also your,homie I don't know what you call a,parallel Oh hmm why did the Norwegian,Navy put barcodes on their ships so when,they dock they can Scandinavian hey what,did the sandwich say to the doorman,what's the difference between snowmen,and snow women no snowballs if you,overdose on viagra do you die hard,what do you call a dog that can do magic,al abracadabra,don't find apples doll they don't have,windows - cheese trucks ran into each,other debris was everywhere why are,people so rich why because their capital,is Dublin which of King Arthur's nice,built the round table sir cumference,Catholic Beezus,the invention of the shovel was,groundbreaking it looks funny it texture,ball did you hear there's a new type of,broom Oh brilliant,yeah hmm sweeping the nation what's the,fastest way to Shepherds Bush um,Shepherd slay you know why you shouldn't,play hide and seek with mountains why,because they're always peeking you can,throw an envelope as far as you can,it'll still be stationary why elephants,wrinkled why are they because they don't,fit on the ironing board a guy walked,into a zoo the only animal in there is a,dog,it's a shih tzu why didn't Moses eat the,banana,why didn't notice in the banana he,bruised it did you hear about the farm,that was taken over by animals no I,didn't I heard it was a mutiny I don't,hear about that but a man did just,attack me with a cheese and milk no,dairy,you

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Don't Laugh Challenge - Adult Jokes

Don't Laugh Challenge - Adult Jokes

I went and saw my doctor the other day and he told me I had to stop masturbating.,And I asked him why, and he said,,Because I'm trying to examine you.,Oh, my God.,Mitchell that is frikkin disgusting. ,Jesus Christ. ,What does Beethoven do on his grave?,He decomposes.,It's so good. ,That is good, though.,Yeah that's good. I don't think it's funny at all. ,All right.,Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?,Why?,Oh, sorry Leigh. ,Because Ken came in a different box. ,We're going to have to put that in because...,there was 4 minutes of buildup.,Hey Choccies. ,Welcome back to another one of our Dad Jokes videos. ,This is the 'Teams Edition' part 3. ,If you haven't checked out parts 1 & 2, then you can do that here.,All format just goes out the window in this one I mean I...,We swap teams,,we do some trades, though, some novel.,There were some number 1 draft picks. ,Probably me. ,Probably not. ,Made for some good gear though, so hopefully you enjoy it.,And if you do, please make sure you smash the like and subscribe button down below.,It helps out a great deal.,And write your best jokes in the comments as well.,We love going back and finding them.,Thanks guys hope you enjoy. ,I'm glad you added that in. ,Yeah well it was just like...,Yeah, no I went and saw the doctor the other day, he told me I've got two pieces of bad news.,Ah firstly, you've got cancer and secondly, you've got Alzheimer's.,I said, "Geez,,at least I don't have cancer.",Oh. ,That's rough. ,My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.,But then the librarian asked me to take it out.,It is. ,You could... oh flip. ,You can see it coming from a mile away but you can't not laugh. ,So baaaaaddddd. ,My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge.,We'll see about that.,Mine are dry. ,I'm not getting much response tonight. ,What's Peter pan's favourite place to eat out?,Wendy's. ,Oh, Jesus Christ.,All of these are sexual.,I'm sorry. ,It's Disney. ,Geez yeah. There's a real theme...,I really didn't know this was sexual Dad Jokes tonight. ,I've got like the lamest Dad Jokes on the planet. ,I arranged a threesome,a couple of weeks ago.,Did you?,Yeah, that's frikkin news to me. ,Yeah.,Yeah, no it's...,There were...,There were obviously two no shows, but we still had a good time.,Oh, Mitchell that's bad. ,Did you just literally search like masturbation or something?,No I didn't I really didn't. ,Why do the seven dwarfs laugh when they play soccer in the grass?,The grass tickles their balls. ,I don't have anything. ,Yeah.,If you can't use that the last 20 minutes have been a waste of time. ,Is it my turn?,I think so. Come on Weeze. ,I used to be addicted to soap but I'm clean now.,Nice. Yep. ,Mine are so bad! ,Haven't adjusted. ,All I get is...,and everyone else gets these hardcore reactions. ,Haven't quite adjusted have you Weeze?,But that's alright. ,Come prepared for next round, you'll be right. ,Hang on give me a second.,I'll give you a G Rated one. ,Alright. ,Change it and go dirty. ,Everyone told Sam not to sing,,but Samsung anyway.,Good job Sam. ,Thank you. ,Nice. ,Got it yeah I got it, the Samsung yeah. ,Oh wait you think? ,It's a good note to end on. ,That's round isn't it?,When wearing a bikini,,women cover 90% of their body.,I'm so polite that I only look at the covered bits. ,No?,Definitely said it alright. ,That makes sense yeah. ,That's definitely right. ,Mickus goes bang with a cheap laugh again. ,I really should have read your jokes. ,Can you just like show me before you say them?,Oh, right wait. ,I've cooked that haven't I?,Have ya?,Oh, yeah, no you actually did didn't you. ,You said it covers 90%. ,It doesn't cover yeah...,It covers 10%. ,Doesn't cover.,it doesn't cover 90% or something, I don't know you've...,it doesn't cover 90% or something, you know, like over an extension.,Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's just quickly reshoot it so I can cut it.,When wearing a bikini,,women reveal 90% of their body,I'm so polite I only look at the...,So hard to tell the same thing twice! ,I think we've got enough that we just don't...,I don't think that one joke is going to make or break it. ,I think we're alright. ,I think you guys should just take your turn. ,I reckon we'll probably just can that joke. ,I think if you stitch that all together it works quite well. ,Yeah surely. There's something there.,Maybe. ,Ah yeah, yeah. ,Charlie. Mickus. ,How do you reckon... ,Charlie's right next to you. ,Yeah.,I'm on your team. ,Yeah I know I'm just speaking to him if that's alright. ,Why not Leigh?,Why not me then?,Because the jokes about yo...,if you give me three and a half seconds you'll frikkin realise. ,Unbelievable. ,So Charlie, Mickus,,how do you think Leigh would go about changing a light?,He would just hold the bulb in the socket and wait till the...,wait for the world to revolve around him. ,Is it?,That is good. ,I'm not sure. I get it.,Okay...,You're having a mare over there aren't ya. ,(Michael tries to explain but also has no idea),Revolves

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I got water subway no ok guys welcome to,another episode of trying to laugh dad,jokes edition now in nature outside are,you ready for the funniest dad jokes in,the world yes these are the funniest,ones guys don't jokes don't make me,laugh is culligan nose breather coming,yeah it's not really like I say this all,the time but you laugh,no these are good ones ok so you're the,rules I'm gonna tell Dad yeah I'm gonna,tell a bunch of dad jokes the monkeys,are gonna have water in their mouths,whoever spits loses the challenge and,you guys can try this at home till your,mouths up with water and see if you,laugh as well are you guys go Chi Louie,Versace I want to put my watch on my,belt but I realized it was a waste of,time no what do you call a pile of cats,a me aunt in I couldn't imagine a pile,of cats that's actually very clever,who made that not you what do you call a,girl that sounds like an ambulance Nina,Nina Nina I like that one that was a,good one man my friend texted his,girlfriend Ruth and broke up with her,man he's ruthless,no okay dad where do the robots go for,fun the circuits,I burned my Hawaiian pizza today I,should have had it on a Aloha,temperature you said no you did it wrong,he said yeah I should have had it on a,low hot temperature you said I should,have had it on aloha someone just stole,my mood ring I'm not sure how I feel,about that how do you got had a mood,ring once I went to a party last night,and everybody had a cold,yo it was friggin sick I have a speed,bump phobia but I'm slowly getting over,it,lawnmowers this is why we don't film in,the backyard too much,who mows their lawn on a Friday night I,was trying to figure out how lightning,works and then it struck me I was fired,at the rubberband factory the other day,my first thought was oh snap guides let,us know in the comments who won that,challenge was it mr. B or was it miss B,what do you think guys let us know thank,you guys for watching I got this water,should I drink it yeah yeah you should,tell me a joke yes okay here's the joke,I'm not gonna drink it thanks for,watching everybody please like subscribe,and leave a comment down below if you've,haven't subscribed yet please click on,the icon on the left and a little theme,will pop up and use it to subscribe if,you already have subscribed please,forget everything that I have just said,it's my radio voice

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Dad Jokes!

Dad Jokes!

you want to talk dad jokes those cheesy,little one-liner dumbass jokes that,they're so dumb at their funny totally,one eight hundred seven eight two seven,nine eight seven one eight hundred seven,eight two seven nine eight seven is the,phone number you can also text over to,two two nine eight seven like I'll give,an example here's one two one three says,I used to hate facial hair mm-hmm till,it grew on me okay I don't want complain,guys yeah but there's this furniture,store that just keeps on calling me it's,so annoying all I wanted was one night,stand I bought a pair of shoes from a,drug dealer you did I don't know what he,laced them with but I was tripping all,day getting what did the zero say to the,eight lat arrow say to the eight what,did the zero say to the eight one nice,belt,that's good I'm not getting in the,middle,apparently I think I like it yeah guy,who invented life savers no yeah he made,a 100 seven eight two seven nine eight,seven one eight hundred seven eight two,seven nine eight seven what's your best,dad joke let's say hello to Steven hey,good morning Steven hey what's up what's,your dad joke why our improper fraction,so improper why our improper fractions,so improper let's go to Kendall here,where's Kendall,there's wait where's Kendall Kendall,Kendall how are you the wrong line,Kendall what's your dad joke I why do,you see gold fly over the seat why why,because if they flew over the bay they'd,be bagel bagel let's go to Chris hey,good morning Chris hi Chris,morning how you guys doing we're doing,what your dad joke why did the mushroom,go to the party weekend let's go to Jose,hey good morning Jose say hi guys you,got a good dad joke for us yeah we can,get this one,what is this tomato tomato what are the,tomato say to the other tomato what you,better catch up,thanks for the dad joke man have a great,weekend thank you guys later,let's go to ride I would love to,chitchat with everybody that's my,instant Enda but I just wanna get,through as many of these dad jokes we,can hi Ryan,hey Ryan dad joke what do you got,knocked out oh my god excuse me garnet,is it a knock knock or instead of why,the Sally fall off the swing,why did Sally fall off the swing boy,who's there get excited,Ryan thanks Thank You Ryan yeah hey ham,sandwich walks into a bar imaginary,Sally a ham sandwich oh yeah,walks into a bar and orders a beer,bartender says sorry we don't serve food,here you leave yep let's go to Paul on,line number four hey good morning Paul,Paul hey good morning what's up what's,your dad joke what the lender what the,landowner say to the SUV Porter okay,what get the out of here hey Paul,thanks for the comment let's go to MJ,hey good morning hey we're doing,fantastic happy Friday what's your dad,joke alright what do you call a wreath,made of $100 bills,a wreath made of $100 well what Craig's,dream yes Aretha Franklin Aretha okay,I like that one all rights go to Abby,hey good morning Abby Abby what are you,doing great what's your dad joke okay um,did you know that John Travolta has a,pepper farm,I did not know he's got cheese that,multiply again very nice yeah nice job,thank you have a great weekend you guys,know why bicycles can't stand up on,their own right why they're too tired,Kyle Kyle,good morning all right that's your cue,dad jokes what he got,what if officially with your head into,the wall what thanks me let's go to,Nikki hey good morning Nikki Nikki good,morning what's your dad joke what does a,one-legged ballerina wear what is a,one-legged ballot what a 1-1 does that,mean - ready I mean the imaginary,ballerina let's go - Enrique hey good,morning Enrique Enrique hey man what's,your dad job I got one for gray all,right what is it great,what do the grapes say when I get,stepped on what did the grapes say when,he got stepped on what nothing this,without a little wine I'll use that,about yes mixer yeah let's go to Jade,hey good morning Jane what's your dad,joke - fish are sitting in a tank,one fish list of the other fish and says,hey man do you know how to drive this,thing an actual tag,all right thank you for the call Jade,yeah bye hey why do chicken coops have,two doors why because if they had four,they would be chicken sedan getting what,you're getting this is a guy getting,this is something I would do to my kids,okay dad make me a sandwich,dad says poof you're a sandwich yeah why,did the Invisible Man turn down the job,why why you couldn't see himself doing,it yeah and then you got the the classic,how do you make a Kleenex dance good for,Friday everybody like 90% of them I'd,never heard yeah good stuff

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Dad Jokes | Best Moments | All Def

Dad Jokes | Best Moments | All Def

it's not gonna work bro,all right this look funny man,all right what kind of bee makes,milk okay boobies,i'm so immature i'm a child,what's the best day to cook tuesday what,day,friday,a blind man walks into a bar and a table,and a chair and people,why was the man's birthday so stinky,i like fart jokes why because he was,turning farty,did you hear about the power outlet with,legs,no it was a plug walk,look whoa i couldn't decide what asian,food i wanted more,japanese rj,what did the fat girl with a lisp say,after sex,what do you call the president of the,dance club,what donald krump,why won't the farmer have sex in the,barn,why not because he don't want the,hennessy,knock knock who's there interrupting cap,interrupt,what did the mumble rapper say to her,son when he scraped his knee,oh lil uzi hurt,dude that was funny before you even hit,the punchline,jesus christ man oh my gosh all righty,why did scotty not get his wife pregnant,was it because he only put the pip in,that's the best joke that has ever been,on this show there's not been a better,joke on this show,what's scotty pippen doing these days,respect what's the difference between,dubai,and abu dhabi what the people of dubai,don't like the flintstones but the,people with an abu dhabi dude,that's stupid,a blind man walks into a bar,with a cni dog okay he starts swinging,his dog around,in the bar all crazy,hey i'll call him penis,he's swinging his dog around crazy the,bartender's like man what the hell are,you doing,he said i'm just looking around,y'all don't got no blind friends,oh my god at least your blind friend,ain't gonna see this,i didn't mean it as a joke i didn't mean,it as a joke,i didn't mean it like that i'm just,saying,what does a peanut say when it sneezes,what cashew yeah,baby we live in this thing baby yeah,baby what you're doing then you're all,over the place baby,you oh baby just yeah baby that's what,you're doing right there peter,piper pick a pen that's amazing

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Dad Jokes | Kraig vs Slink | All Def

Dad Jokes | Kraig vs Slink | All Def

a crazy person,walks out of a sperm bank what are they,holding,crazy person walks out of the sperm bank,what are they holding,uh,a receipt a nut case,good good good good okay,what's going on what's Happening oh man,should I go hey,ah,okay I came with him man how do insects,learn to read,oh they go to spelling bees,if you've been robbed by a spicy piece,of cheese,you've been pepper jacked,up,um,why did the elephant get pulled over and,go to jail,why,he was high he had cocaine in his trunk,what do monkeys call their private parts,I don't know Craig where the monkeys,call their private parts orangutans,knock knock,who's there,delinquent delinquent who the link went,up last week dirty cops L.A streaming on,Amazon Prime right now,that was cheap,where's it where's the only place you,can go and admit you've been a ,Idaho,why did the pimp ask your mom to jump in,this Dodge,why because as soon as he see her he,knew he was going to charge her,why do all my kids know sorcery,okay,because they come from a Magic Johnson,why did the clam get a gym membership,why,he wanted more muscles,no,what happens when two quarters a,nickel,oh I don't know a coin flip,that why was the king so respected even,though he was only one foot tall,ah,why,he was a real ruler bro yeah,man what's a deadbeat fathers,favorite baseball team,the Dodgers,it ain't my daughter,I've never met a day in my life hey I,like to celebrate my own language,dig it back get it from God,man thank you appreciate it

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Pete Davidson, Dave Chappelle & More Comedians Tell Celeb Stories | Netflix

Pete Davidson, Dave Chappelle & More Comedians Tell Celeb Stories | Netflix

- By the way, this story's so name-droppy,,I apologize in advance.,This story's so name-droppy, DiCaprio was there,,I don't even mention him.,(upbeat music),- Famous people are weird as shit.,(audience laughing),They're all weird. Your suspicions are correct.,And they would all come in to "Saturday Night Live,",and they'd have to meet with me,'cause I was a little rat writer,and they'd have to talk about the sketches.,They'd sit on my office couch that had,,like, bedbugs and stuff.,It was great, like they were famous, but it was my couch.,It'd be like if you went into your childhood bedroom,and Joe DiMaggio was sitting there.,Yeah, he's Joe DiMaggio. He's a legend.,He had sex with Marilyn Monroe,,but only you know where the bathroom is.,(audience laughing),- I'm gonna drop a name, all right?,The day after I broke my foot, Glenn Howerton,,my friend Glenn Howerton,,(audience cheering),who is almost 50, but for this bit, he's over 50.,I need it to, come on, who cares about logic?,He broke his collarbone, okay, so I called him up,,giving him a little solidarity, little support.,"Hey man, I broke my foot. What happened?",Now in my mind I'm thinking, well,,he was probably reaching for a bag of SunChips wrong,and his collarbone broke or something.,And he said, "Yeah, I was snowboarding.,I landed a flip wrong.",All right, fuck off, fuck off.,You don't need to go to that much hassle.,Once you get to a certain age, you don't need to do,,I don't even think that's what happened.,I think he's lying to me.,I think somebody slammed a door near him,and then his collarbone fell into his ass cheek,,and then he told his wife,,"Just duct tape me to a snowboard,and push me down a Black Diamond Trail, please.,Give me some dignity for God sakes.",Now I'm gonna drop another name.,A month after I broke my foot, Tony Hawk broke his,,broke his femur in two.,Pow, landed a vertical wrong.,He's out in his warehouse, doing his verticals,,landed it wrong, broke his femur.,DMs me a picture of his X-ray, he's like,,"Looks like we're in the same boat, buddy.",And I'm like, "No, we're fucking not.,You just Jackie Chan-ed yourself into even more coolness.",(audience laughing),He found a whole other level of cool.,I slipped off a curb like someone's aunt,that saw a bird, that is how I went down.,I went down in the most embarrassing way possible.,(audience laughing),- By the way, this story's so name-droppy,,I apologize in advance.,This story's so name-droppy, DiCaprio was there,,I don't even mention him.,(audience laughing),So Netflix has a party,and it's at the head of Netflix's house,,a guy named Ted Sarandos.,A great man.,(audience laughing),A great man.,(audience laughing),So it's at Ted Sarandos' house, and I walk in,and it's, like, the biggest comedians in the world, right?,I'd look over, it's like Burr, Aziz, Mulaney,,Ali Wong, Sarah Silverman, Wanda Sykes, Trevor Noah,,Borat.,(audience laughing),And you're like, pretty good, pretty big, Neal. All right?,Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Kevin Hart,,and then I look over here, Ellen DeGeneres, Eddie Murphy.,It's like goddamn, I've never seen,all these people together, ever, right?,And I remember thinking like, "Buddy,,I don't know what you did to get invited to this party,but it must have been pretty good,and I'm proud of you, right?",And I'm just looking around at all these,,like, heroes of mine, right?,All icons.,And Ted Sarandos, who is a great man,,(audience laughing),gives a toast, and he goes,,"It's such a thrill for me to be in the same room,with all of my comedy heroes,",and Chris Rock yells out, "And Neal Brennan!",(audience laughing and cheering),- I tried to interview the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia.,I'm serious, he came to New York City,,and he was taking all these weird meetings.,Dude, he met with Michael Bloomberg,at the Starbucks in Times Square.,Do you remember this? Look at Bloomberg's goofy ass.,He's just like, "Welcome to Starbucks, Ya Highness.,If you wanna take a shit, the code is 2332, my liege.",(audience laughing),All right, Crown Prince in New York, your boy in New York.,Let me shoot my shot.,Let me slide in the DMs. It'll be funny.,(audience laughing),Now Beena has a slightly different take,,because she has a PhD,(audience laughing),and I do PowerPoint comedy.,(audience laughing),So she's like, "Hasan, do not antagonize the Saudis.,It's dangerous.",I go, "I know.",(audience laughing),She goes, "I'm serious.,Don't do the interview.",And I go, "I won't.",(audience laughing),And I meant it,,but then she left the room.,(audience laughing),- He's the definition of a guy, my father,,who doesn't give a fuck.,He just doesn't care at all.,And yeah, Tony, some people are like that, you know?,Tampa Tony, I don't know why he is the way he is,,but he just couldn't care less about anything.,And that's good. That's good, you know?,I mean, I remember one time we saw,,I was in a pizzeria with him and he saw,,I saw Steven Tyler, you know, from Aerosmith.,Saw him, and everybody was like

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Really Funny Dad Jokes

Really Funny Dad Jokes

oh my god hi I'm really excited about,today's episode because we're doing dad,jokes r.i.p boiled water you will be,missed,I don't trust as they're always up to,something,if you want a job in the moisturizer,industry the best advice I can give you,is to apply daily,I hate perforated lines they're terrible,when my wife told me to stop,impersonating a flamingo I had to put my,foot down what do you call a can of soup,that eats other cans of soup a cannibal,it's not funny when you read it but when,you say it it's really good,want to hear a joke about construction,no I'm still working on it you heard the,rumor going around about butter never,mind I shouldn't spread it what concert,only costs 45 cents what concert only,costs 45 cents 50 cent,featuring Nickelback what what do they,call Miley Cyrus kilometer II Cyrus,what's Forrest Gump's Facebook password,one Forrest one I have kleptomania,sometimes when it gets really bad I take,something for it if a child refuses to,take a nap he is resisting arrest what's,the difference between a hippo and a,Zippo one is really heavy the other is a,little lighter what does a house where,address a furniture store keeps calling,me but all I wanted was a one-night,stand,I ruined it I ruined the delivery but,all I wanted was one nightstand,why does Peter Pan always fly because he,never lands who I gave all my dead,batteries away today,free of charge Salman is so good how do,you drown a hipster in the mainstream,nostalgia isn't what it used to be why,couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself,what could a bicycle stand up by itself,it was too tired,you

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